House Officers

This post is dedicated to the house officers I have worked with, I am working with and those that I will work with.
Before we start, there are a few terms you need to get familiar with, if you are not a medic
Tissue: The art of disappearing from your workstation without permission
McAfee: The act of leaving your work for someone else to do, especially if it is a difficult task, like setting a line for a really big baby.
Daze: A senior asks you questions you obviously can’t answer. The idea is to embarrass you in the long run.
Stuff: An expression of what you know. E.G. Dr. Joe, give me stuff on COVID 19.

The medical line and the army have a few things in common, one that is quite notable is the hierarchy. The hierarchy in medicine is as strict as the army. You are senior to the person who resumed a day after you did, regardless of their age, sex, or family status.

I feel it is right for me to be clear here that a house officer is not a medical student. The people you see at NYSC camps are folks that have spent a minimum of 6 years in medical school (10 to 12 years, depending on circumstances), have spent another one year or more, looking for House job placement and have spent another one year or more doing their house job.

Now to the matter…
There are different types of house officers and this is based on my experience; I was one, now I’m working with many. Writing this, I have gladly grouped house officers in the following categories

1. The hard worker
This is everyone’s favourite house officer. They work so hard that we beg them to take a rest. They are the registrar’s dream; they make your calls smooth and never disturb you except it is too hard for them to handle. With them, the registrar can ’tissue’. They are the ones you send to check on patients and give you updates. They are the most pardoned house officers because people like them so much. Their past deeds always hold for them. You can trust their judgment, but they are very few.
The consultant is happy with them because they are always on point.
They are always ready; In their pockets are, continuation sheets, prescription sheets, bottles, needles, flesh and blood.

2. The smart worker
He is indeed smart and knows all the shortcuts
He plans his day such that nobody knows when he tissues.
He is always at the blood bank or setting lines on the ward; You just never find him.
He stalls a procedure till his shift is over and hands over appropriately, faulting the relatives who refused to give home gloves.
Once the others are being dazed; he suddenly remembers he hasn’t checked a patient’s random blood sugar and politely excuses himself from the discussion (We know o).
He uses the signature-hungry medical students to do his work.
He shares his work amongst others and plays the supervisor.
He gets all the glory, because he has the information about all the patients and what has been done for them; even though he did nothing.
His favourite word is “we”
Once you hear things like
“We have done…”
Just know he did nothing.

3. The Eye server
This is your pseudo favourite HOs. They are a good example of masters of none. You would see them do the work, but you would never see the work done. They are the least punished house officers because everyone at every point in time can ascertain them working. They have the best evasive mechanism “Always in view” which works perfectly. Other house officers don’t like them, because they see the real eye server that the resident cannot see.

4. The non-challant
The most annoying HOs, they do whatever they want to do, whenever. They are never in a hurry and have no sense of urgency. They cause you to lose your voice and weight from shouting. No matter how many times they are punished, they still do the same thing over and over. These guys receive so many extra calls that they have set up a wardrobe in the call room that has now become a home.
They don’t get extended because nobody wants to spend one more day with them.
Some however, are just plain clueless, they honestly don’t know. They might have completed many postings but still don’t get it. Do not! I repeat, Do not allow them write for you. ‘Mother’ might turn to ‘murder’. Distinguishing the clueless ones from the others saves you a lot of stress.

5. The stuffy
These are usually the best graduating students from their schools. They know the answers to the questions Residents cannot answer. Usually when you are dazing your house officers before it gets to their turn, they pretend as though they don’t know it; they look away or look down, mostly praying no one gets the answer.
The moment you call their name, they reluctantly start answering with “I think..” then they answer the question very well, smile and then ask you a question as though they do not understand; when you give a wrong answer, or you are unable to answer they go “Errm, actually, when I read it…” and I am like “why then did you ask?”

6. The Over Sabi
These are the ones that feel they know how to carry out procedures. A large percentage of them were the ITKs in school, they are the ones that have instructed their family and friends to call them ‘Doctor’ since their first day in medical school.
Some of them have even done house job somewhere else (on a missionary journey)
Good luck to you if someone from this group resumes a unit before you, they behave as though they are the custodian of all the knowledge in the world.
They rarely get into trouble with their seniors, but when they do, it is usually so bad, and everyone feels fulfilled after their downfall.

7. The snitch
What makes a group of people if there are no snitches.
These are the Resident’s informants. How do you recognize them? Simple!
On the first day, they are usually forward, trying so hard to warm their way into hearts.
They correct other HOs in front of Residents.
They are quick to mention who did what.
They try to form like they are the holiest ones.
If you have a house officer that comes to you when you are alone to say something like this “Ma, I noticed Dr. Tad (a fellow HO) did this, is it right?” Beware, he is a snitch.
Just like every snitch, they get used and dumped! Do not be a snitch!

8. The safe player
These ones just want to do their posting without any hitch. They want to finish their house job and leave.
They don’t play the hero, neither do they play the ignorant.
They wait on you for every instruction and always ask questions even when you query the relevance. They are quick to say “I am sorry” and “let’s go and ask the registrar.”
They don’t answer questions. Their usual response to your question is “I can’t remember sir, let me check it up and tell you tomorrow”.
They are not remembered as they do not create memories.
They usually have a smooth sail and are least likely to receive queries, extra calls, and the ultimate extension.

9. The newbie
I feel bad for this one, who is a lot of things.
First he is the messenger. As he doesn’t know how things run, he is used by the others to do the dirty work. They make him do their work and claim they are training him.
He stays awake when everyone is sleeping. He is not given the details so he would be dependent on the others who can then control him.
He makes the work of the resident slow and hard, as. you have to explain everything from why you are holding the pen the way you are, to why a full stop should come after a sentence.
The only good thing is they are fresh and not corrupted, so the resident can make them who he wants.
They are innocent and are easily pardoned. The resident might be punished for their mistakes because everyone knows you can’t leave a newbie all by himself.

10. The Frosh ones
These ones are usually foreign-trained or from private universities. A few of them are from Federal universities.
They are never to be caught unfresh.
The guys have a clean-cut, with a side parting or punk and well-groomed beards.
They wear coloured socks and the cut of their trousers is on point. Their tie matches their shirt and doesn’t look like a suicide noose.
They try so hard to impress the female registrars,
The girls wear really nice shoes and palazzo pants (Especially those from Unilorin)
Their hair and make up always on fleek! They flirt with the male residents, but talk to Male HOs ONLY when they need a favour.
There are 2 sides to them
a. the people they impress always have good stuff to say
b. the people they don’t care about always have bad stuff to say
The female registrar thinks she is lazy, the male thinks she is a hard worker….

No house officer was harmed in the making of this list. If you feel attacked, it might just be true.
This is my list! Thank you for reading
DrBeezle